Entertainment The Twins recap The Bachelor ep 16: Matty just tore out Australia's heart and set it on fire.

04:25  14 september  2017
04:25  14 september  2017 Source:   Mamamia

Well, well, well, Bachelor fans. We finally have a premiere date.

  Well, well, well, Bachelor fans. We finally have a premiere date. Been feeling a little unfulfilled lately? Bored? Are you lacking direction and general life purpose? Of course you are.Of course you are.

Stream clips of The Bachelorette instantly. Stream episodes of Family Guy, Grey' s Anatomy, SNL, Modern Family and many more hit shows. It appears that software on your computer is blocking JavaScript.

James Weir recaps The Bachelor Australia 2017 episode 1. A FARTING scandal - yes, that’ s a real thing - marred Matty J’ s Last time we saw the 30-year-old marketing manager, he was doubled over in a sea of mulched roses after Georgia Love unceremoniously tore his heart out in front of the nation.

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 Video provided by Now To Love

Matty J's Bachelor paycheck will cause your eyes to pop out of your head.

  Matty J's Bachelor paycheck will cause your eyes to pop out of your head. After months of heartbreak, Australia is finally ready to love again. With a brand-new Bachelor in tow, it’s time to heal, to tweet and to yell at the telly as another romantic ‘journey’ unfolds from July. With a brand-new Bachelor in tow, it’s time to heal, to tweet and to yell at the telly as another romantic ‘journey’ unfolds from July.

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We are 508 episodes deep into this season of The Bachelor, and currently we are sick of the following:

  • People
  • Feelings
  • People and their feelings
  • Matty goddamn J
  • Any and all modes of transport

Because we’re getting serious (this show is not serious) about Matty’s final decision, Channel 10 purchased a piece of technology they believe is called a ‘drone’.

This ‘drone’ is capturing Matty surfing at the beach while he does a very deep think about which of his girlfriends he would most like to keep.

As he looks into the distance, it is clear that Osher has given him one task and one task only.

Put together a pros and cons list for each girlfriend, and then entirely disregard that list for whoever gives your penis the most feelings. His list looks like this:

Georgia Love says she won't be watching Matty J on The Bachelor. Here's why.

  Georgia Love says she won't be watching Matty J on The Bachelor. Here's why. It’s never easy seeing your ex move on with someone else, but when your old beau is about to become the star of a reality TV show and date 22 other women, it must be really awkward. Last year’s Bachelorette Georgia Love has revealed she won’t be watching Matty J on this year’s season of The Bachelor, and her reason makes a lot of sense.

Big Cass Just Turned On Enzo Amore And Ripped My Heart Out Of My God

Check Allow local data to be set . Uncheck Block third-party cookies from being set . 1:17AM Irma knocks out power to nearly 6 million. 1:17AM Swiss trains collide, injuring 30: police.

LAURA

Pros:

  • Three-legged dog called Buster
  • Nice hair and face
  • Intensely in love with her

Cons

  • Hard to draw
  • Says things like, "I'm literally blown away," despite being very much stationary

TARA

Pros

  • Enthusiastic about activities especially when they don't make sense
  • Nice hair and face
  • Actually funny... like ha-ha

Cons

  • Drinks too much red bull
  • Would yell at formal events, like funerals
  • Brother wants to cut off my penis while I sleep

ELISE

Pros

  • Dad seems sweet with the whole thing
  • Nice hair and face
  • Might be able to get me backstage at the Olympics

Cons

  • Better at hockey than me
  • Thought she was waitstaff in mansion until two weeks ago

Pros and cons list... FIN.

Matty says the dates this week are the most important so far which is a frustratingly banal thing to say because... obviously.

First up, Matty picks Laura up from the side of the road to drive in a car he likes and how is this fun for anyone, but most of all, us. 

Hold your roses, the first Bachelor contestant has been revealed. We think.

  Hold your roses, the first Bachelor contestant has been revealed. We think. And just like clockwork (or actually just clockwork), we’re about to hit our sweet spot of the year. And just like clockwork (or actually just clockwork), we’re about to hit our sweet spot of the year.

no connect. James Weir recaps The Bachelor episode 12.

Laura laughs even though nothing that's happened is remotely funny, and then Matty demands she LOOK AT THE COAST LINE and take it all in.

He then proceeds to straight up speed while laughing about it, and if Osher was here - he'd be having precisely none of this kind of behaviour.

They arrive at a cliff and FFS if we are forced to witness one more person jump off a thing we are going to calmly turn off the television and walk away.

Laura and Matty parachute or paraglide or parasail (we literally give zero sh-ts) and via walkie talkies they repeatedly say to each other "how amazing is this!", "this is so amazing!", and Jesus Christ this doesn't make for good television.

Matty then takes Laura to a couch in the middle of nowhere, which is another plot point we'd like to interrogate.

Why? But also, how? But also, why?

Matty reminisces about their first date, when he was meant to sketch Laura but actually drew a demon. "I wish I drew something that gave justice to the fact you are really pretty," he says, and we do not wish that because the devil woman is the best thing that happened this season.

Hold your roses, the first Bachelor contestant has been revealed. We think.

  Hold your roses, the first Bachelor contestant has been revealed. We think. And just like clockwork (or actually just clockwork), we’re about to hit our sweet spot of the year. And just like clockwork (or actually just clockwork), we’re about to hit our sweet spot of the year.

He then reveals a revised portrait, which we're pretty sure he just had professionally done, and we're mad because it's not funny. At all. Also, why do you keep drawing Laura for...? It's not... necessary.

Because Laura knows Matty no longer sees her as a demon lady, she says, "I am utterly falling in love with you... and it is truly the best feeling in the world," and he responds, "It's incredibly nice to hear you say these things," which is what every woman wants said to them.

For future reference, this is Matty's smug face when a woman says she's falling in love with him, and he stares at her in silence.

It's all very nice, and it becomes clear that tonight Matty is going to make every woman tell him how much she loves him, right before he dumps one of them.

Cool.

Next, he meets Elise at a train station which seems sort of... low key?

Anywho, they get on some old train that doesn't move but somehow takes them somewhere and then all of a sudden they're sitting by a camp fire, which seems both cold and uncomfortable, and Matty is making Elise promise she loves him.

She obliges, and he does his smug face.

It's Tara's single date, and Jesus they're going on a seaplane, which begs the question HOW MANY TIMES CAN TWO PEOPLE GO IN THE AIR FOR LITERALLY NO REASON.

They travel in the seaplane to a yacht, and within a twenty minute period we've officially covered every possible mode of transport which is something no one asked for and is arguably getting in the way of Matty actually making any sort of considered decision.

BACH FLUFF: The real reason The Bachelor's Laura doesn't like seeing other women kiss Matty.

  BACH FLUFF: The real reason The Bachelor's Laura doesn't like seeing other women kiss Matty. The Bachelor’s Laura Byrne has been a frontrunner for Matty J’s heart since, well, before the season even aired – if you were checking in with her odds on various betting platforms. And with just two episodes to go until the finale and big reveal, she has told News Corp watching the episodes back hasn’t been so easy, particularly when it comes to watching the other girls kiss Matty.

Tara tells him, "I don't want these other people in the picture any more. I'm sick of them. I want them to just go. And I want to have you all to myself. And I don't want to be told that you have to leave all the time".

Same.

Matty says lots of things about how she's becoming more and more beautiful, and as they stand and watch the sunset, he says, "Nothing would make me happier than being in this moment forever..."

At this point we start to develop... suspicions.

We're eerily close to the end of the episode and it's not at all clear who Matty is going to send home.

This means he's been lying.

And we don't appreciate being lied to.

It's rose ceremony time, and Osher does some complex maths to determine that Matty has to send one girlfriend home, in order to have two girlfriends meet his family.

First, it's Laura. And then...

No, he wouldn't.

He can't.

This isn't going to happen.

OH GOD NO. PLS  NO. THIS AIN'T RIGHT.

It's Elise, and we think Matty has broken Tara.

She's coming down off the red bulls and this is super real.

Everything is fun, until you get dumped on the television.

She says, "I was never scared to fall in love....

"I am heartbroken... I didn't want it to end. I'm devastated."

Holy Jesus.

This information has ruined our day, nay, our week. 

YOU SAID SHE MADE YOU HAPPY AND THAT YOU NEVER WANTED IT TO END AND THAT YOU MISSED HER AND IT WAS ALL A LIE.

NO. WE ARE DONE.

YOU HAVE BROKEN OUR HEARTS AND SET THEM ON FIRE AND THEN SPAT ON THEM WHICH IS RUDE BUT ALSO INCONSIDERATE.

We don't even want to watch tomorrow night (we're obviously watching tomorrow night).

Meet Tara, the first Bachelor contestant vying for Matty J's heart.

  Meet Tara, the first Bachelor contestant vying for Matty J's heart. The Bachelor is nearly back and we’ve just met the first inmate contestant.The Bachelor is nearly back and we’ve just met the first inmate contestant who’s going to battle it out for Matty J’s heart.

UNTIL THEN.


Matty J’s tips for Sophie Monk’s turn at The Bachelorette .
Matty Johnson has given the final rose to Laura Byrne in The Bachelor Australia 2017, but it’s now Sophie Monk’s turn to find love in The Bachelorette.Ahead of the premiere of The Bachelorette on Wednesday night, we asked Matty J what his top 10 best pieces of advice would be for Sophie (and it includes cheese!)

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